More snippets from my journaling of March 2018. I am omitting names and events and bursts of anger. Consider these as fragments, adding up to form a semi-accurate sense of myself.
A safe place to lay out my heart… that’s what I can be with You, Lord. The phrase resonates with me, who grew up unsafe… as did all we humans.
I have so many things to thank you for, Lord, most of all for saving me from my sin. Thank you for the dynamo of your Power that revved up next to me on August 30, 1978. Thank you for the sacrament of Holy Communion. You rescued me from my active addiction and from the worst consequences of my alienation from God. I could thank you for a million things. As I say frequently, God is good.
The lesson is: when I focus on my disappointed expectations, I get disappointed… What I see, I magnify. Either plus or minus, I magnify it… I love NA and sometimes I don’t like it… But it has taught me so much. I owe it my life and sometimes (a lot of times) I forget that… I didn’t get to 29 years by sitting on my ass.
When I look at my complexity, I would really like to be balanced by a woman who has simplicity in her, who just likes to be around me, who I just like to be around… My goal is to recapture that simplicity in my life.
Putting myself out there. A theme for this year. Boost a little confidence, a little experience making mistakes.
I think my own high standards for myself have seeped over into expectations of others… who have years clean.
Maybe I do use my education as a means to feel superior. It’s a fine line between taking pride in one’s ability and being prideful.
This is my season to grow. Can’t rush it, though. Waiting and wondering is part of the territory. I have to believe it will all be worth it one day. But first comes preparation. And in the meantime, receiving blessings with open hands.
Help me Jesus. Please help me through this night and tomorrow. I am feeling week and need your strength. But I cannot live in the future for a call/text that may never come. I have only the now.
I feel that you God are failing me. I am putting my heart and soul into this, and you are giving back nothing in return. Apparently you want to see me get hurt to teach me some sort of lesson. Well, enough. I feel hurt, okay?